I am writing because I need help and because I need to let it all out, and the person who should listen, has lost his patience long time ago.
I have been in a relationship for 1 year and half, with someone that was first my friend 1 year and that afterwards became my boyfriend. At the beginning all was well, I was different. I was jolly, happy all the time and the only thing I wished for was for my boyfriend to be happy. I loved him regardless of anything he was doing or not doing. Didn’t ask for anything. And he did same. I just liked him as he was and with all that he was. The catch is that we were far away. about 1130 km away.We used to live in the same place but then I had to move back home and thats where the huge distance came in the picture. I have went to visit him 3 times in the course of a year, regardless of what my family said. ( I was raised in a family where girls don’t chase after boys. They sit quietly and wait for boys to come after them) But I loved him so much and I needed to be there next to him in real life and express all my feelings. And it was great. Every time we were together for real, i felt strong, as if I had the power to conquer the world, as if everything would be alright. I cried when i had to return home but i got over it with the hope that we will meet next time. He couldn’t come visit me because he needed a visa and he couldn’t afford it at the moment. His motto is: be happy with what u have in the present. And i tried. Time passed by and from the first moments of true happiness things started to add up. I tried to find a job where he was. Failed. I rejected other jobs because they were far away from where he was. And my family started to pressure me with that. He told me once he felt that he is ignoring his friends because of me. (that hit me badly) We were far and in hard time the only thing I had was a fb chat, or a video chat. We went from talking every day in video to talking once in a while when we got that chance. And I started to get scared. I started to trust him less. And all the “moral” statements my family had given me started to prevail. “If he doesnt come here at least once he is not serious” “If he feels his ditching his friends for you, his love is not true” “When two people start a relationship they I first with each other and then the rest of the world comes in” and for me, that has been cheated on in the past, heartbroken and stepped on by guys I loved with my entire being and against everybody elses advice, this was enough to put me in a depression. I started to cry, to see that things are happening again, I was scared so I kept asking when are we going to get married. (he doesn’t like when i ask im this, because he doesnt know ) then my moms thought came in again “if a guy hesitates to discuss about marriage or has no plan he is not worth you time”. We used to have arguments and arguments and arguments that started from nothing. I used to blame him for always going out to be with his friend but never once coming to visit me. I blamed that he was always far away. And when i needed him most he couldnt be here. I blamed that he never shared stuff. I blamed that from my side he always seemed not to care to much about the distance. And then i cried. (he hates it when i cry) he offered comfort best he could in chat or video chat, but that never worked on my case. I would calm down for a while only to burst out again. I became addicted to my phone and to him writing to me and every time he didnt reply i would freak out and we would argue again. He is short tempered so his patience runs out pretty quickly. Then he says bad words, like ” leave me alone” ” go find somebody else that will do what ever you say and will be with you when ever you need him too” “get the hell out of my life and so on” and it hurt. all these words hurt. And if my mind forgets, my heart doesn’t. And they add up. and we argue more often and badly. And in the end I cry and feel hurt and can’t go on. Last argument was the other night. He told me to get lost and I did. I closed my phone and I let him be. He wrote to me so see how I was and i burst out again, and we had another argument. Last night he wrote to me that he will go and get drunk at some guys birthday. I freaked out. I started crying and called him begging that he would go home. That for once he would ditch his friends and go home, because i asked him to. He said he would go home in a while. But he didnt. I fell asleep waiting for him and woke up at 6 in the morning and saw that he didnt keep his promise. I freaked out again. I miscalled him and we had another argument. He told me to “get the hell out of his life”
Dont understand wrong there are good parts. We had great memories together. And he supports me when i need it. we chat everyday from morning till night. I tell him what I do almost every hour. He miscalls when he wakes up to say good morning and every night he says good night. We have nice conversations and we exchange loving words too. It’s not all just sadness and depression.
But once in a while something, triggers my sadness and I get stuck in a loop from which I can’t get out. Problem is he has lost his patience with me. He doesn’t want to listen anymore, he doesn’t want to talk about the same thing over and over and over again when there is no solution from his point of view. And all i want to do is talk and talk and talk and figure out a way to make it better for us. He says I keep ruining our present. But then I get more sad, because in my present he isn’t actually real. He’s at the end of a fb line.
And when I say my patience has run out too.( It’s been 8 months since we had been together. I don’t have money at the moment so I cant go see him and it’s getting harder and harder.) his answer is go find somebody else.
But that love from the beginning the one that happened regardless of anything. I love him. there is no because. His company gives me joy and happiness in real life. And just to know he is in the same room with me makes me the happiest girl on earth.
I don’t want to give up! But I don’t want to argue either! And I dont know from where to get the strength and the hope and the faith to go on, anymore. My family says I love making a soap opera out of all this, instead of understanding that it’s not worth it and let go. They say it is a waste of time and energy, and that he would have come to visit me 10 times by now, had he really wanted to.
I don’t know what to do! And the person I really should be talking to, him, doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. And after this mornings argument I am not sure he wants to talk with me at all.
I feel that it is my fault all of this is happening, but there are times when I just want to argue and irritate him to take revenge for hurting me with his words and actions, that he sometimes took. If I could find a way to let go of this need to hurt back, I think all would be alright ….